


How

by Aumar



Category: None - Fandom
Genre: Angst, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, Self-Harm, Visions, self-care
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-22
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2020-12-28 12:02:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 4,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21136391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aumar/pseuds/Aumar
Summary: She'd always be a mystery to him even after decade has gone by,he's yet to unravel little nooks of her convoluted self while she just appreciates his efforts





	1. love is a doing word

Ever since she's come to France, he learns quite a lot about her before she's even told him so,he recalls the older days when she was new there and would ask in a tone best similar to a scared puppy,eyes wide with wonder and exploring everything.  
The nightmares persists and he wouldn't lie if he felt bad for how much the time zone messed up her up as her watch still had her home country's time,he listens to whatever she could make out of her nightmares, being draining and all too real,nocturnal outbursts which he's gotten used to nowadays.

She fits in perfectly,somehow even fixed up his eating habits to straight up healthy,a cultural advantage she would say,eating a bowl of pulses with rice with legs crossed on the plastic chair while her hair frames her face.

Her bags of nail varnishes, lip kits as she likes to call her bag of lipsticks and ridiculous balms and a bag of perfumes now occupies the small table left bare. Her skin has stopped the crackling and withering that she used to complain about,the scars of many years ago have vanished from her arms whilst the one on the shoulder remains. A war injury she would say,similar to that of Watson from Sherlock series,it jams up her movements till she cannot ignore. A nuisance.

Again in her soft confused voice she asks for a shoulder rub to get it back to work again and he complies,pressing the damaged skin through her shirt,immediately lessening pressure when she mutters any word of discomfort.

Her voice changes a lot,he thinks as she excuses herself to talk to her friends,or when she stubs her toe,or stretching and rolling her joints together too. It goes rough and raw,clouded by dialect and a stream of abuses with bad flirting. When she talks at night, confessing all her lies,small insignificant ones really,it goes baritone,purrs coming out of her throat as she curses herself to be a pathological liar and he wonders so as to how it sounded true enough to believe little things she told him. He doesn't get mad but does get pleasantly surprised.


	2. Warning Signs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Its my wound, stay out of it."

She's hyper aware of the stinging pain in her left cheek,unfurling one more blow to the other girl before cursing her out,teeth tinged red from some blood loss,everyone makes way for her as she goes to the washroom, sees the perfect ponytail and the large glasses contradict the blood trickling down her nose and the solid bruise on her face. 

Somewhere in her mind,she yearns for him to tenderly wipe the blood and get her well deserved head pets,now's not the time she tells herself as her face hardens at the other girl crying where everyone consoles her while she takes a seat in the back,Dan's eyes bore into her from the other corner,mildy fascinated by the blood pooling around the other girl's knuckles,who she thought couldn't hurt a fly.

She runs home,away from the questioning classmates and the girl she beat up hard,as Dan's face keeps on appearing in her mind,her questions arising in her mind, she should've spat blood at her,that'd shut up Dan for sure.

She enters the house,throwing her large bag somewhere,discarding the white uniform and downs a brown shirt with her thin legs bare,her heart sinks on not seeing him here,gone out till a few hours and she's not letting the blood stay till then so she starts cleaning it,talking as if he was there, crinkling her face to wipe the dried blood off.

"Wasn't anything big,but god forbid today was nothing,just a fraction of the damage I could do to her,break her nose.. Stab her with a pencil and what not my dear." She sees the injuries,a purple bruise on the cheek and a rust colored nostril's interior now that her face is washed.

She sleeps lightly,the events tormenting her. She can't recall when he came in but smiles wearily at him,his eyes go to the discolored cheek and before a question arises in his mind she Answers for him.

"Fight. Bad bad fight." Perhaps that is all he needs to know about what went down,"You need to stop getting into fights,Christ." He turns her face to examine by the chin and notices the cause of a discolored cheek and frowns at her.

"I'm so sorry,she just got on my nerves, gave her a solid right hook and chokeslammed her to the ground,and Dan kept on staring my bloody face."

"What is her problem?"

"Me." She points at herself,"she looked proud of me though I did something wrong."

"It doesn't matter to me, what matters to me is that you're safe." He says firmly while she clings into him whining in the back of her throat and he reaches out a hand to place at the back of her head,pressing the scalp to reassure herself to not start drawing walls about how her and Dan had no difference that the world thinks.


	3. Chapter 3

She pulls out a blue long sleeved top, dishing out diamond embedded bow dangler earrings and wears a tapered red pant, smiling at the bulge in her stomach becoming gradually less as she tucked the blue top inside.

She'd send a photo to him,ask him how was she looking right now. But the moment she opens instagram to take a photo her smile drops,she wasn't talking to him anymore.

His old words echo in her mind  
_ "Mum's always pretty the way she is." _

had she lost the only person that kept her sane all these years? If so she needed to plan how to stabilize herself for her future years and do it quickly, she's starting to fall behind in academic success.

She would have told him her marks no matter how bad they were,a part of her mind is still nagging to tell him her mid term results like a child. It just isn't what they are anymore.

He may be even more miserable than her,she thinks as her mother compliments her lean figure and responds with an absent smile as they drive. She blasts music and tries to move on,the memories won't attack her all at once, they'll keep sending one sweet memory one after the other ready to kill her.

People go,it's okay. Even the ones you thought wouldn't go.  
_ I'm not leaving the next year or ever,you should know. _


	4. Chapter 4

She's lost hope,too many times she knows this won't work now,the classic threat of suicide or even the act itself. This was a friendship for which she stayed smiling,she glowed because admist all this there was her boy, always pride sparkling in his eyes for everything she's done.

"Could you go into shock?" She had asked him tentatively.  
"Why would I go into," he chuckled and rests his face onto his palm.  
"Oh I thought a ninety eight on hundred in french would make you go in anaphylactic shock." Her voice trembles mid way.  
"I have no words." His hand drop from his face.  
"Let me rephrase,out of hundred I only got two marks cut. I'll send for rechecking maybe get a hundred full—"

"I'm so proud of you,I don't what to say apart from that. Bloody ninety eight.. I knew you were my smart girl." His eyes have a spark that isn't just coming from the soft yellow light,it's from pride.

She smiles sweetly, squeezing his hand and chuckling,"it's just marks, it's not like I got a job. Besides it's not a full score so I don't see the hype." 

He scoffed,he knew this was her analytic side speaking and waited for her to finish.  
She fixes her hair,"but again,kudos to the dumb bitch living here that actually survived a good score." She tapped her head for emphasis.

She'd die for him, she'd gladly do that. He was the equivalent of having a wife to return to from a war. Instead of a wife it was him,someone so unique that felt like family and friend at the same time and loved her just as much. After a hard day of being the clever and hard genius it was a relief to come back to him. Watch furry animals and spiky ones do stupid things and always spoke in between. A hedgehog would be on a tiny couch and she'd say it's just like him. An owl would scurry to tuck itself in and she'd say it's just what he does too.

Thinking about him hurts, because she would never run out of things to think about. She limps around and looks begrudgingly at the ice cold juice.  
_fire in my lungs  
Devil in my tongue  
Can't fight it on my own  
Don't need to be loved by you _

She's outside, dressed smartly again and takes her photos. She catches some guys staring dreamily at her and raises her eyebrows. A girl flirts with her and it's only by evasive responses that the girl goes away. Marie,she tells the name eyes her up and down. Marie says her legs look amazing and she scoffs,she didn't know one muscle is perpetually fucked, only he knew. She thanks Marie and tells her to contact her soon.  
She wonders why did she decline the proposal. She was itching to tell him,he should know he needs to know—  
_ hands on her waist  
Everyone's talking now  
I don't belong to anyone  
Don't need to be loved by you  
Thought you'll never be replaced._

Some days without him are hard,she just wants to run and hide from everyone to be with him. She would stay in his arms and brokenly whisper everything that's been hurting her lately.but reality stings and he would be hating her or getting through his hardships by himself because she wasn't there,and he wasn't here. A few tears go down before she sobs out,her chest contracting and snapping inside, eyes shut tight so she couldnt see the empty space in her bed. She grits her teeth and prays for this horrible moping to end and possibly for something to awaken his love for her.

_I don't hide my blurry eyes  
Like you do like you do  
Forever and ever no more_

She still gets on her life,looks for fashion peices,looks for shows that make her happy, steel her persona. She still talks and assigns work like the genius she is. Academic presses on her heart,nudging into the space that was his. She lets the academic rest well into her heart with zero resistance.  
_I was born to run  
I don't belong to anyone  
Don't need to be loved by you  
Oh no   
You know it's true  
You know it's true  
Loved by you _


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> when you look at strangers hope to god you see my face

_ isn't mum the prettiest? _

she ruffles through till she sees her thin woolen skirt and pulls it up on her flowy blue top, gives it a twirl and smiling hugely. Her heart stings when she clicks some photos of herself and shakes her head when she pulls out some hoops and rings. Why was she even dressing up? Who was she dressing up for?

Dressing up for oneself was a foolish answer, she didn't feel any difference between her ratty brown shirt and this blue silk top. She knew why was she doing that,she wanted to talk to him. She'd pictured them talking again like before.

There was no doubt she looked good but it just didn't feel the same when he wasn't there to tell her so,and she felt her confidence slowly wither away. She scoffs weakly and fixes her hair, there was no way her confidence was getting low...

He must be gaming, talking to more people and enjoying his new life without her.


	6. Chapter 6

She sits outside his room,her back on his closed door as she turned up the music and her eyes harden as her fist curls and uncurls in anger before she gets up and goes back to her room, covering her mouth as she sobs again.

He sits in his room,dazed as the days go by,he doesn't see her staring at him as he makes his food and slams the door behind. She could knock in and throw a tantrum. But it won't be worth it.

Her chest feels tight as she drags a palm down her limp thigh and pulls the skirt over,she should tell him that she's going on a date but it'd hurt him more. So she says nothing as she's on a call giggling about the location as he unlocks his door and stares from the doorway.

"Meet me near that clothing brand,and you know how to recognise me don't you?" She chuckled,her eyes meeting his for a second.

"You're going out?" He asks unsurely in that little voice of his and she wants to stay with him,hold him against herself so damn bad-

She feels to reply with snark,but hangs up the phone and nods,taking a few steps closer to him. His eyes look lost and a small cloud of betrayal hovers above his head.

Before she says anything stupid or anything at all she just leaves,slams the main door behind her and turns her music louder.

_ now I'm asking you   
Who you belong to now?  
Who you giving love to now? _


	7. Chapter 7

she's out most of the time and always blasts music when she sees his door open, sometimes she crosses her arms and leans against the door frame,eyes unreadable.

She's had quite a day in school,her tone not wavering even when her and his eyes meet with a confused stare, where would they go from this?

" I understand everything." She murmurs outside his door,her voice thick with a lump in her throat. "i hate understanding everything,i hate being this smart. It's a bloody curse. You didn't know what to say when you found out I was dying, funnily I didn't know either." She clutches her right shoulder and winces away.

Weeks pass in awkward stares and hushed words but nothing changes,she knows how he's relaying every good memory like she was,bless them for having the same thought process.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> his compliments

the date had been horrible,well it's always horrible to be back with an ex even for a meeting. She thought to herself as she walked home,groaning loudly at her jammed shoulder and rubbing her left hand at the scarred muscle with her eyes squeezed tight.

Her boy sits up ,alarmed at the pained groan and looking at her with wide eyes as he sees her back curve and relax, she's making coffee and sighs deeply.

"I was going to wear red," she stirs the giant flask of dark liquid and adds some milk to it, sipping on it to clear her head after that disastrous date. "But it didn't match and last year it was a red outfit only. Hence the green."

"You look good in red." His voice is quiet,almost lost in something. She puts her hand on the arm of the sofa,knowing she can't touch him,"i know that. many others say that just besides you." she replied softly,closing her door behind her.

she smiled as she removed her jewellery and crinkles her nose at the inky black shirt and grey skirt she had on,she should have worn the red turtleneck.

She changes into normal house clothes,ears plugged to music as she sees him nearly leave at the sight of her,she needs to tell him or the date will eat away at her,if it hasn't already. It was not wise to tell him,her irrationality couldn't be justified. She comes back into focus and he's gone, door shut tight.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Some event pulls up and she grins as she tugs a red tunic over herself, eyeing herself in the mirror, eyeing at the fabric that was loosened now and needed tightening,the dip of the tunics dress showed her collarbones in the light. She puts on a creamy maroon lipstick by patting the color into her thin mouth and plays with her hair, tucking the long hair behind.

"This suit needs an altering," she grabs a fistful of loose fabric on behind of the dress,"I'd look like a tent otherwise." Her boy stares,a little smile in his eyes,a sparkling of how he used to be.

"It's beautiful." He meant the dress,not her obviously. She thought bitterly.

"It's old." She murmurs,"I'll be out for an hour or two."

"Told you red suits you." There's a hint of his mouth twitching.

"I'm just using an old dress, sustainable wardrobe." She replies, fighting the smile building over her face with a cool look.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She's seeing a suit,and asks for the suit to be in red Rather than gold. She had a blue and a lighter green,she needed the red for thr glam, she'd look ridiculous in that suit, little gold spots on the whole suit,flared red pants with golden thread work and wait a minute, bell sleeves? That was acceptable Atleast thirty years ago! The red shade was atrociously too red,fire truck red. The draping cloth was netted, perfect for uncomfortableness.

She returns home, he's not in the common living room this time,she sighed as she walked in her room to try out the dress. 

Tight on the chest,too tight—   
She pulled up the suit on,flexing her collarbones in her lighting, before trying on the flared pants and sighing deeply. She radiated a vibe of regality but something didn't feel right,she draped the cloth behind her back, letting the golden edges hang on the bell sleeves which she pinched up as her elbow was cutting off the blood flow with every moment. They rested easy around her biceps,and her bell sleeves now hung around her bruised elbows.

The whole suit made sounds as she moved,bits and dangly bobs of golden attachment jingled as she warily walked around,twirling to get the full experience. this wasn't a simple tunic,it looked different.

She knocked on his door, her suit jingled as she stuck her head in to see him with headphones around his head and his back faced away. She walked slowly,putting a tentative bell sleeved net hand over his shoulder and pressed firmly to get his attention.

It seemed to do the trick, he scrambled away from his chair and whipped his head to look at her, confused.

"Um," her voice is small,"three suits for the wedding,one green,one blue and one red. I hate to bother but I've never worn anything like this before—"

"Gorgeous." His voice is filled with wonder,as he looks up and down at the dress and back into her eyes,"Red looks so good on you, always has."

She tucks a strand of her hair away in new found shyness and she doesn't smile,her face is frozen as she rubs her neck instead and twirls around in his room,the suit flying around her billowing.  
"Thank you." She murmurs and sits on his bed,holding out an arm with the bell sleeve draping prettily,"check out the fabric." Her voice is small.

He takes cautious small steps towards her outstretched hand and plays with the frills, raising them up and down. "It's netted."

"Yeah." He meant her when he said gorgeous,he called her gorgeous after god knows how long. She'd missed him saying that, but smiles looking at her golden embroidered flare pants and getting up.

"You haven't called me gorgeous since.." she walked out,her golden bits and bobs swinging behind her. Since they started falling out. Dying changes nothing,almost dying changes everything.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh the things you'll do for love

"no,i do not love her,that was a mistake!" His ears perk up at the sound her seething voice coming from the thin walls separating them.

"I was stoned off my ass and also,trying not to kill myself! Would you rather hear words from a person who Mattered once just to keep yourself alive? Imagine the level I had to stoop low when my lungs felt heavy!"   
he sighed,she really was screwed up to try to kill herself by bringing her health down,it scared him how much she loved him. Her voice was furious and he could almost see her rubbing her shoulder absent-mindedly.

"Here's what we're gonna do,i need to think now and you'll Fill her ears with poison," he set down his headphones, curious what she was planning and hoping she'd talk quietly as a major part of him wasn't interested. "What kind of poison? Cyanide arsenic..." Her voice trailed in mock thought,"no. Verbal poisons!"

He Grimaced,she could hurt him with her sharp tongue alone,he never got that brunt of her tongue. She'd always talk softly around him, her voice only rising in giggles and breathless rantings about the school making her the hard twisted bastard she claimed around.

He'd tuned out the Conversation till she said," you'll have to make her hate me. Of course I know how it feels to be left alone with no possible reason! Only difference is she knows the reason but is too dumb to act on it. Question her love for me,tell her how i can be real mean when she's not expecting— in short just tell her im a good for nothing bastard,it's true anyways." Her voice had quietened down and some part of his stomach stirred with her words,yes she hurt him directly wherever he was most vulnerable so he agreed with the last part.

A loud chuckle,"or i can date you and cheat on her?" A scandalous gasp,"you dirty man i would never!" She giggled and he thought about the last time she giggled around him,it had been long. 

"Yes sure,date a girl and cheat on her with a boy,a bisexuals worst nightmare come true." She spoke as a matter of fact. He felt jealousy boil in his gut,but it wasn't worth it,till they started talking properly she would definitely talk to more people.

He doesn't miss the pained groan and the rattling of pills coming from her room and comes out of his own to see what she's upto.  
He's met with bleak eyes staring at him from thick brown frames,her bangs framing her cheeks.  
"Hello there." The voice has lost all of its venom and life.

"I'm ordering food for tonight." He says slowly.

She avoids his eyes as she jumps out of the bed, staggering from the pressure on shoulder and shakes her head,"can't have that."

His posture deflates, she's quick to add,"what are you ordering?"gripping the table so tightly her knuckles are white.

"Macdonald 's."

A small huff of amusement,"carbs, fried food,trans fatty saturated chicken," she lists out and sighs deeply,"sure. Two filet o fishes,no meal which means no fries or Coke."

"Fries are the best part and so is soda!" He protested weakly.

"Sorry, really can't have that or I'll puke it out." She pats her chest gingerly,"heartburn issues. Some carbs can trigger."

"It'll take a while to be made,what are you upto?" He's never talked so much with her,but the sight of her being equivalent to a wounded animal makes him ache.

"Psychology lectures to skim through, but that'll wait." She answers,slowly shuffling on her feet to go to the drawing room,her head bowed low and jaw clenched as she ruffled through the medecine cabinet and extracted joint ache removing gel and sat down on the couch. He watched her whimper as she worked the gel into the scarred muscle with her left hand and squeezed her eyes shut.

he wondered how she could talk so brightly and still be in a great deal of pain,how did She Manage the times she was upset? Oh right,by blaming him for the great deal of pain he had caused,he didn't even know how much she even thought about him in his defence.


	10. Chapter 10

she eyes her box filled with embroidery thread and thinks,would her shoulder be able to handle the strain again? Shaking her head she picked a bright pink,blue and white string and folded them in half,tying a loop she could slip on her small toes.

it takes time to figure out how did she knot these so easily before,but once her fingers gently threaded through the strings,the knots flowed on their own.  
She tapped the forming diamonds pattern,tapping at the number needed to wrap around the wrist,his wrist.

She fished around for a cream beige button and made sure to wear it on her wrist before carefully spraying disinfectant on the band,slipping it on a horizontal cardboard and gingerly wrote a greeting in french,what else? She drew a heart, several hearts and coloured them in.

Finding some old confetti wrapper from her early 2000s birthdays she wrapped the bracelet gently and taped it up with bold gold tape. She found a glitter liquid pen and wrapped that up too, smiling smugly to herself.

she Tore out a painting,her best work that she had planned to give him years ago but couldn't and slipped them on in a neat parcel.

looking at the clock hit 12am she banged at his door loudly with her fists,and placed the parcel at his doorstep and left,her shoulder was giving her hell now,she should rest before she faces him again.

She doesn't miss her door opening and the big smile on his face.   
Morning comes and a weekend means more time to drink coffee,she leisurely makes her coffee in her big blue sipper,pouring hot water and less milk for her kidneys sake. He enters the kitchen and she keeps her eyes fixed to her cup as she leaves,after being a safe distance from him she sees a bright colored band on his hand as he makes his tea.


	11. Chapter 11

he looks at silent wonder when he sees her stories,some were written in hindi he couldn't peice together and some were posts and memes,he gapes at the videos of her dancing,her hair long and straight spun around her as she grinned,jerking her waist and hands in an up down motion,he thinks how this beautiful girl is right next door.

he tries to approach her but she knows better, blasting music on her headphones,jamming by herself all alone.   
"I saw her today at the reception,to get my fair share of abuse-" she croons.  
"You can't always get what you want but if you try sometimes,you might find you get what you need! Aw YEAH!"


End file.
